Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Happiness, Hopefulness,and Halfway There

Today is a big day.  Today I am officially 20 weeks pregnant with Baby Hawk #2 (the sequel).  Yep, this baby is halfway done, I'm halfway through the pregnancy, and I'm finally starting to believe that there actually is a little person in there.  The nausea and vomiting for the first 17 weeks didn't convince me.  The tightening waistband didn't convince me (although I can still fit into my regular jeans, wahoo!).  The early ultrasounds, appointments, and aches didn't convince me.  But now that I'm feeling the little kick, kick, kicks, I'm a believer.

Don't worry.  I'm not one of those moms that could be featured on that show where women find out their pregnant in the delivery room.  I just have a cute little distraction that takes up most of my pondering time.  So, I am constantly reminding myself, "Oh yeah, you're tired, hungry, sick, weepy, irritable, etc because you're pregnant." 

Of course, everyone wants to know if we are going to find out the gender, and do we have a feeling either way.  Yes, we find out on Monday.  No, I don't have a feeling either way.

I have to admit that there is a small amount of fear and trepidation coursing through me while we wait for this appointment.  Although we didn't find out about Aurelia's hydrocephalus until a later ultrasound, I always feel a bit of uneasiness in that dark, little room.  We've received a lot of bad news in ultrasounds over the years.  I guess that I've seen in a very real way that the purpose of the anatomy scan isn't just to tell excited parents pink or blue.  And although I'm looking forward to knowing, I'm also looking forward to seeing this little one's heart, lungs, bones, and brains.  

It's funny how perspectives shift.  When I was pregnant with Aurelia, long before hydrocephalus entered the picture, I would tell people that I'd be happy with either a boy or girl.  I'd be happy with a healthy baby.  Isn't that what we all say?  But here's the crazy thing.  After I found out that I was having a baby girl with an incurable brain condition, I was still SO happy.  I was scared and worried, but excited to meet our little lady.  As she would kick around, I would smile (sometime with tears in my eyes) and dream about the future of our family.  And I realized that I had confused happiness with hopefulness.  Saying I would be happy with a healthy baby was such a conditional statement.  And happiness that's based on conditions is very fleeting.  Of course I was hopeful that my baby would be healthy.  But when I found out our baby wasn't healthy, my happiness and anticipation only grew knowing that she was the baby that God had intended for Joey and me (hydrocephalus and all).  Seeing the absolute joy she is now, I can't imagine being any happier.  Although I think adding this next little Hawk Baby to the team will only up the joy factor in our home.

So, here I sit, contemplating big appointments, big news, big deals, and the little big sister currently napping down the hallway.  I am so hopeful, I know I'll be happy (even on rough days, there are still moments of joy!), and I'm SO glad to be halfway there!  


Dara said...

aurelia is one special lady that's for sure! we pray often for your little family, and are super excited to find out what you're having this time too! my guess is boy :)

Phoo-D said...

How wonderful! So excited for you and your family. This new kiddo will only add more joy and happiness to your already special crew.

Kristy said...

I can't even write enough to say all that I'm thinking right now. I am TRULY happy for you!!! Oh how I am regretting not to have been at BC to chat you up on all things crazy and wonderful in your life. I wait joyfully with anticipation for you!!!! Congrats!

Alicia said...

Julie, this was beautiful. You are right - we all say that we'll be happy "if" the baby is healthy, and reading your thoughts on how you were still happy even after the diagnosis is truly humbling. Praying for a wonderful ultrasound, and of course for everything to look good. Thank you for blogging about your special journey through motherhood. You are an inspiration.

Emily Blair said...

Julie - So excited for this post which I have been waiting for, the official news. Since I'm not on Facebook anymore, I cannot stalk you there. :) I have been thinking of you so much, and wondering after you, and enjoying reading your blog during the wait. Congratulations to you, Joey, and Aurelia! Can't wait to hear more about who this next little person is!