Last January, I posted that the word that I was embracing for the year was FAITH. As I look back at the year, faith was a fitting word. We faced the everyday realities of living overseas in a conflict zone, we had a few heartbreaking losses, and we had to make some impossible decisions. To be perfectly honest, 2009 wasn't one of my favorite years. I felt like each day I had to cling to faith and trust that by God's grace I would make it through all the obstacles life had thrown at me.
One of the toughest parts of 2009 was our decision to move from Kabul. We really enjoyed where we lived and lived with some great people. In our perfect little plan we hoped to stay in Kabul for at least three years. But we were also facing some difficult behind the scenes stuff. While we were visiting home last July, we experienced our third pregnancy loss, this time twins. I've thought a lot about how to address this on my blog since it is public. The last few months I've gone back and forth about whether I would mention it at all. However, I want people to understand why we left Kabul. And my miscarriages are a very big part of my life and the person that I am. On the other hand, I do not want to go into much detail on it since it was such a painful time for me.
We were fortunate that the miscarriage happened while we were in Virginia and under the care of a very kind doctor. Since it was my third loss, I did the recurrent pregnancy loss screening (RPL). While we waited for the results we had two specific prayers. 50% of RPL situations are without reason, we wanted a clear diagnosis. And as we awaited our departure back to Kabul, we wanted a definite answer on whether I could be treated in Afghanistan. Both of our prayers were answered. I was diagnosed with a very easy to treat blood clotting issue. However, easy to treat doesn't necessarily mean Kabul easy. We spent a lot of time wrestling with this and continue to wrestle with our decision. But it's pretty obvious that we decided to move to the states.
Some bullet points of information:
- We plan to be in the states for a few years. During that time we hope to have a healthy pregnancy and we are also looking into the possibility of adoption. We have always desired to have a family of adopted and natural children. We don't know what the timeline for that looks like, but it's all on the table.
- Losing our babies and leaving Kabul are the hardest things I have faced in my adult life. I have a hard time talking about both situations.
- Joey is still working for the same company and flying all over the place.
- We're currently staying with my parents. This is partly because we don't know exactly where we'll end up and partly because Joey is gone a lot for work. We are considering buying a house, although we don't know when or where. Not to mention homeownership sounds way too normal and settled for us.
- We have lots of travels that we're dreaming about, including a trip to Kabul in the spring. We've found that if we stay "home" for more than a month we start to feel itchy. For now that means a lot of US travel with international adventures when possible.
As I look back on the last year and forward to this new decade, I decided the word JOY was appropriate. I want to be joyful whether life is difficult or wonderful. I want to live in anticipation. I want to recognize that even the most dismal circumstances have elements of hope. I look forward to 2010 and pray that my joy will be full throughout this year.