Happy Fog

I suppose it's a given that the adjustment from one kid to two keeps our hands (literally) full.  Life feels foggy right now.  That could be due to lack of sleep.  Or it could be due to having an 18 month old and 1 month old (Happy 1 month Little M!).  It might be due to the fact that Aurelia came down with RSV which quickly became bronchiolitis two weeks ago.  Or it might be that the rest of us, including Marguerite, caught Aurelia's cold in a pretty major way.  Aurelia was all, "Welcome to the world, Sis.  Here's a nice virus for you.  Think that's tough?  I had brain surgery when I was your age!"  And Joey and I have been passing the tissue box and throat lozenges from one bedside table to the other as we pass our sniffles and sore throats back and forth.  I am a little jealous that he gets to take Nyquil, although it hasn't sped up his recovery.  So, yes, foggy is the appropriate descriptor for this season of our life.  It's a happy fog most of the time, full of cuddles and cute kiddos.

Mamaw was in town for the majority of our colds.  I am SO thankful for my mother-in-law.  What a blessing to have her here to help us navigate through this bleary-eyed time!  We didn't have to think about meals or laundry for an entire week.  Baby clothes were organized.  Floors were vacuumed.  Banana pudding was made and consumed.  Coffee was brewed before I rolled out of bed.  It was fantastic, especially on those days when getting out of bed seemed daunting and breathing through my nose was impossible.  But more than having someone to help around the house, I simply love having my mom-in-law around.  Like I said last week, she's one of my favorite people.  I'm thankful that she brews the coffee before I wake up, but I enjoy the conversation while we drink the coffee together most.  And, of course, my kids got their socks loved off with all the kisses and attention.  Aurelia was in heaven!  We were all sad to see her head back home.

Adding to the fog, our schedule has not slowed down.  We postponed and canceled most of our appointments last week when we were sick (and added in three trips to Pediatrics Northwest).  Now we're catching up and making up, including newborn pictures with Jacob Rodenbucher, Little M's one month appointment (53% for weight and the 93% for height), and Kid A's MRI on Friday.  It's a bit of a whirlwind, but I'm glad to get all these appointments done before Joey heads back to work at the end of the month.  I have a feeling the fog will get a little bit thicker when he leaves.  The first time he left after Aurelia was born, I lost my drivers license and checkbook and backed into a parked car all in the same week.  I feel a little more prepared this time and a little less tired.  Hopefully I won't get halfway to MOPS and realize I'm wearing slippers again.  It's all just part of the fog.  

One Hand

My baby likes to be held.  And I love holding her.  But having a little one in my arms most of the day has caused me to relearn life with only one free hand.  It makes everything a little slower, including typing a blog update.  Here are some things that are going on in our lives:

-Marguerite is 2.5 weeks old!  Where does the time go?  She is sweet and precious, but definitely lets us know when she's unhappy.  And she has beautiful red hair!  I hope it stays that way.  And she looks so much like Joey.  It's adorable.

-Aurelia does not know what to do with this new little person in our house.  She has responded with many sensory meltdowns, a few days of ignoring baby, a few days of ignoring mama, a bout of stomach flu, and now bronchiolitis.  Overall, though, I think she's doing really well.  And I'm glad she's not ignoring me anymore.

-March is a busy month for us.  Aurelia has an EEG, an MRI, a GI follow-up, a neurology follow-up, plus all her regular appointments, and a few extra pediatric visits to follow-up on all the bugs she's had these last few weeks.  Marguerite only has one appointment. . . that's such a strange feeling. 

-In many ways, having Marguerite is a whole new ball game for us.  We've already decided she's a genius because she can make eye contact at so young an age.  I'm guessing that's a pretty normal feeling for parents whose first child has special needs.

-Joey's mom gets here today and I am so excited!  I love having my mother-in-law here, not just to help with the kids, but because she's one of my favorites. 

And I think that's about all the one handed typing I can do.  I'd post a picture, but I can't seem to plug the camera in without both hands.  It will be great when this baby fits in a sling or wrap so I can have two hands.  For now I'm loving all these sweet cuddles with my little red-head.

And just like that, I'm 30

Welp, yesterday was my 30th birthday.  And it was a great day.  Granted, I didn't get to have a huge party (although my husband has something in the works for when I'm feeling more like myself).  In fact, I didn't do a lot.  I spent the day with my two daughters.  Still getting used to that. . . two daughters.  My parents brought me breakfast and coffee.  Joey brought me tulips.  And we went on a sushi date with our littlest sidekick.  It was pretty perfect.  Joey got me a new camera and gave it to me a little early since our old camera died and we wanted to take pictures of Marguerite's arrival.  Now I just need to start using it more!

So, how about the list?  Well, I failed.  Or maybe I got an incomplete?  Because I did accomplish a lot of the stuff on this list.  The things that I didn't accomplish are either in process or were held up by other items on the list.  Ah, let's be honest, I just didn't get it done.  Let's take a look back and I'll give some excuses.

1. Have a baby.  Totally got that one done!  Birth story coming soon!

I love post labor pictures where everyone looks a wreck, a wonderful, happy wreck.

2. Finish Aurelia's baby book.  I don't really know how to show that this one is accomplished.  But Aurelia's baby book is filled in as much as it can be.  

3. Get an article published.  Yep, that's right.  I published an article in MomSense magazine (the MOPS International publication), and I even got paid for it!  And on top of that, the Washington State Disability Services is using the article to promote their services and hopefully get more funding!

4. Go to a concert. Read about that here.

5. Have a glass of wine with Carlee, Anna, Shan, Holly, Emily, and any other Forest Fire ladies.  This one was partially complete.  Shan and I were able to hang out. . . we were both pretty darn pregnant so we opted for ice cream over wine.  And I think this crew will get together soon, and it will be epic!

6. Re-memorize the Gettysburg Address.  Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.  Now we are engaged in a great civil war testing whether this nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure.  We are met on a great battlefield of that war. . . That's pretty good right?  I mean, I still have some work to do.  But at least I'm halfway there.

7. Make a life list.  Instead of a life list, I decided to do a 101 things in 1001 and one days.  Let's be honest, I'm a bit of a procrastinator and I would leave that whole list for my final days.  I want this list to be something that keeps my learning and trying new things, taking new adventures, and continually dreaming of what might happen next.  The new list will debut next week and any incomplete items on this list will make a reprisal appearance.

8. Make something for each of my daughters.  This is the one that I feel like I am the farthest from completing.  I embroidered a gift for my older sister for Christmas and it took A LOT of time.  And I think it used up most of my creative juices too.  

9. Get 6 consecutive hours (or more) of sleep.  I've actually gotten 6 consecutive hours of sleep more than once in the last 3 months, and it's been fantastic.  Sadly, I think those days have left me for awhile.

10. Come up with a name for our daughter.  Marguerite Jeanne Bell Hawkins.  Isn't it lovely?  She's named after my great-aunt and Joey's aunt (Marguerite and Margarita), my grandma Jeanne and sister Sarah Jeanne, and Bell after Joey's mom's maiden name.  We like to honor family in our naming process.

11. Deliver Christmas cookies to our neighbors.  Took care of this one Christmas Eve.

12. Meet Whitney Phelps for coffee.  And I forgot my camera, but it was so fun and refreshing to spend some quality time with an old friend.

13. Host a Christmas party.  Ok, so it was wasn't exactly a Christmas party, more a winter party/freezer shower.  But my MOPS table gathered at my house for a fun night of appetizers and great conversation the first week of February. 

14. Wear leggings. I don't know what my hold up was before.  Towards the end of my pregnancy, my leggings were my favorite pants!  This is the only picture I have to prove it, and it's not the best photo.

15. Paint my fingernails.  Seriously, what was my hold up?  I love having my nails painted now.  Joey even bought me a super cute green and blue color for Christmas. 

Yep, I had green nails when Marguerite was born.

16. Finish writing about Switzerland.  Still working on this one.

17. Not use shampoo.  100% complete!  I think that I might mix it up every once and awhile now and use some Dr. Bronner's and coconut oil.  I'm also experimenting with some more natural face cleansers too.

18. Finish my blog revamp.  This one is pretty close to being done too.  I have a new domain name purchased and I'm learning the ins and outs of Wordpress.  The design is in the works.  Having a baby pushed things to the back burner a little.   

19. Gain 10 lbs.  That's the fun part of being pregnant.  Weight gain is a good thing!  

20. Lose 20 lbs (or more).  That's the fun part of NOT being pregnant.  The weight loss is pretty rapid.  I still have a bit to go before I'm at my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'm feeling good!

21. Make salt.  This one was put on hold too.  We got a really great grill that we were planning on using for our salt making adventure.  But we haven't been able to have the gas guy hook it up yet.  I did make bath salts at MOPS. . . does that count?

22. Take Joey on a date.  Joey and I were able to go on lots of great dates, especially while we waited around for Miss Marguerite to arrive.  Thanks to all the friends and family that helped out with Aurelia.

23. Decorate our home.  I realize that this will be a work in progress, but we're on our way now.  We've moved some furniture around, bought a few new things, and put a few things up on the wall.  This house is starting to feel more and more like home.

24. Go to the cabin.  Went to the cabin twice.  There was definitely A LOT of snow the second trip.

25. Read an Alison Weir book.  I'm about half-way done with Eleanor of Aquitaine, and it is fascinating!  

26. Memorize "The Journey of the Magi." By T.S. Eliot.  Got some more work to do on this one.  I've read the poem probably 100 times.  It's beautiful and interesting and I'm excited to have it memorized.  

27. Get Aurelia to army crawl.  Check this out:

28. Get Aurelia to say or sign something.  It's official.  This last week, Aurelia started saying "Dada" very clearly.

29. Meet Lisa Sorenson and family.  

30. Readers choice.  Anya suggested I watch the last season of Big Love.  Done and done.  Nikki suggested I try a new recipe.  I made my mother-in-law's cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning.  They were delicious. 

I'm 22 for 30.  That's pretty decent considering I gave birth in the middle of all of it!  And I would say I'm days away from accomplishing about 5 of them.  So, I guess I'm a bit of a failure. . . but I still feel pretty accomplished.   

Introducing. . .

Marguerite Jeanne Bell Hawkins

Born at 11:23 AM on Monday, February 13th.

7 lbs 12 oz, 21 inches long, and absolutely lovely.

Big sister is a little uncertain still.  And in typical Hawkins family style, we had to rush Aurelia to the ER during our first night home as a family of four due to projectile vomiting and very un-Aurelia behavior.  Thankfully it looks like whatever is going on is not shunt related.  But it confirmed our suspicions that life with two littles is going to keep us very busy.

More details on the birth and our new addition coming soon!

Stick a fork in me, I'm done

Still here, still pregnant.  This may come as a surprise to some of you as I was scheduled for a repeat c-section that was supposed to occur yesterday.  That obviously did not happen since I'm still pregnant.  To make a long story short. . . I switched doctors Monday since my doctor was going to be out of town for my c-scetion anyways.  I love my new doctor and she'll let me continue to try for a more natural birth until 42 weeks as long as I'm healthy and baby is healthy.  Really, I should have switched much early.  I always tell people that if you don't like a healthcare provider, find a new one.  It took me a little while to heed my own advice this time.

Waiting for a baby to arrive on their own puts me in a strange new position.  I used get frustrated when soon-to-be mamas would complain about still being pregnant.  Facebook statuses about eviction notices and demands to vacate really irked me.  Because up until 4 days ago, I knew when my babies would arrive and I was envious of those who got to wait, and nest, and pace, and wait some more.  But now that I'm in that position myself, I find myself saying things like, "I think I'm going to be pregnant forever."  

It probably doesn't help that I worked hard to prepare for that February 8th arrival date. . . 'cause now I'm out of stuff to do.  My house is so clean.  We're tackling so many little projects as we wait.  And I think I've tried every old wives tale in the book and every suggestion given to me.  My favorite was from my sister-in-law who mentioned having a Blizzard the night before she went into labor.  It didn't work, but it was delicious.  I'm eating spicy foods (which we kinda do already, so I don't know if it still works).  I'm going for long, brisk walks thanks to the beautiful weather we were having.  I'm taking all kinds of supplements, drinking tea, and many other things that will go unsaid because, well, they're personal.  I've even scrubbed my floors as suggested by Anya.  Oh, and did I mention doing acupuncture?  I highly recommend it.  I am really really ready to meet this little person.  We've narrowed it down to three names and are pretty set on one of them.  You'll have to wait for the big unveil.  Our bag is packed.  Aurelia's bag is packed for the grandparents.  I even had time for a pedicure.  I am feeling good to go.  Instead, I'm sitting here adding things to my completed to do list.  And I'm twiddling my thumbs.  And I'm sitting on an exercise ball.  And I'm doing lunges around the house.  And I'm scrubbing my bathtub.  And I'm answering all the gasping, "You're still pregnant?!?"  

It's hard not to get frustrated with this period of waiting.  It's hard not to complain.  After all, I'm not really sleeping.  I waddle when I walk.  I visit the bathroom every 15 minutes.  And my cute maternity clothes are getting snugger by the day.  But it's also hard not to really enjoy this relaxed pace.  I love spending time with my little family that will be growing so soon.  I love nesting (seriously, when has housecleaning ever felt so cathartic and fulfilling?).  I love that our schedule is clear and we start each day with, "If we don't have a baby today, let's do this."  And I love that I constantly have to remind myself that this child's birth date (and ultimately everything else in life) is completely out of my control.  It's a great lesson in patience and trust.  So, I'll continue to wait on this little one's arrival with eager anticipation.  I'll continue to hope that it's soon, I'd love to be able to roll over in my sleep again.  But I will savor these moments knowing that she will arrive at exactly the moment God planned to bring her into this world.

Two scoots forward

It's been awhile since I have done a real update on Aurelia.  Since she has days left as being the one and only Baby Hawk, I think she deserves a post all about her.  I've also been doing some work on her baby book which causes me to have a lot of sentimental moments as I look back on how far she has come over the last 17 months.  This kid is truly incredible (and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom, I've had lots of healthcare professionals back me up on this one).

Part of the reason I have not updated on Aurelia as often as I should or would like to is because it can be really hard to explain all the unknowns.  There are a lot of "mights" and "maybes" in her global diagnosis.  And I don't really see the point in saying, "Aurelia might have ______," or "There's the possibility of ______." But I also realize that many mights and maybes won't become defined for a long time.  It's like our kid is this tiny little puzzle with 1000 pieces and we're trying to figure out how they all fit together.

We still try to move forward in the middle of all these muddled unknowns.  And, as with many things, we often feel like it's two steps forward and one step back.  In the last few weeks, she's made some definite steps forward. . . and by steps, I mean scoots.  And I want to celebrate the two scoots forward.  I don't even want to think of the possibility of one (or any) scoots back.  Maybe they won't ever happen.  Maybe this forward trend that we're seeing will just gain momentum and never stop.  Honestly, I know that we will have setbacks in her future.  I know she has a long way to go.  I know that some of those unknowns are big and scary. . . but that doesn't mean I have to let them loom off in the distance.  Instead I'm going to focus on the here and now, a time that is positive, happy, and incredibly adorable.

So, let's talk about these scoots forward.  I don't like how that sounds.  I promise, our baby doesn't have worms.

Mobility: Her preferred mode of transportation right now is scooting around on her rump.  And she is FAST!  We've been working really hard to encourage her to crawl instead of scoot.  The frustrating thing is she CAN do a little army crawl (more wounded veteran crawl), but she only does when we force her.  She can even crawl up (not down) the one step in our house, and then she scoots on her way.  It is so exciting to see her mobile.

Sensory:  This kid has some serious sensory issues.  For the last several months, she would randomly scream and rub her eyes throughout the day.  She would do it in her sleep.  She would do it repeatedly and almost get stuck in the scream.  We felt like the sensory scream ruled our lives for awhile there.  We could barely hold a conversation.  It's hard to explain what happened.  She still does it occasionally.  But following eye dilation at an ophthalmology appointment 3 weeks ago, she suddenly stopped.  She still craves and needs a lot of input (like swinging, sensory brushing, bouncing on an exercise ball, and different movements), but it's nice to be able to go out in public without getting all the stares and comments.

Vision: Speaking of ophthalmology, Aurelia's been making some great strides with her vision.  Sometimes we feel like we can see her little brain working to process what she's seeing.  Sometimes her eyes look really wonky.  We've also noticed that she can't turn her eyes to the left and has to turn her entire head to the left (another part of the puzzle).  But she's started giving more eye contact and will even cover up parts of our face with her hands to stay engaged visually.  She is pretty farsighted, too small for glasses, and has quite a few other eye issues that we're just learning about.  However, we love getting little glimpses of great vision and are learning ways to help her see her world.

Growth: This is still a big issue because she really is just so small.  I realized this when someone said to me, "Six months?"  I assumed they were talking about my blossoming belly and said, "Eight months."  They responded, "She's just so petite!"  This gave me a bit of a chuckle because if Aurelia was six or eight months old, this pregnancy would be pretty miraculous.  Back to our little one, she has an official weight check on Tuesday.  We feel like she is chunking out a little and she's now in 9 and 12 month clothes.  She has 3 teeth.  And we feel like every day she looks more like a toddler.  

Sleep: I talk about how I love my spouse around here a lot.  Since he's been home, he's gotten up with Aurelia almost every single night.  And I am loving the sleep.  Aurelia still gets up twice a night, sometimes more.  Every once and awhile she'll wow us and only get up once.  It's incredible.  A new theory is that it has to do with her septo optic displasia. . . we don't really know what that means and don't expect you to either.

Speech: Unfortunately, there's not much to say.  Her favorite word is, "Diga."  We don't know what that means.  She seems to understand a few words sometimes, like her name, milk, no, Padraig, and up.  She can clap her hands.  She plays peek-a-boo.  And she responds to the question, "Where's Aurelia?" by shooting her fist into the air.  And she just started to sign, "More."

Overall Picture (if you've read this far):  Generally speaking, Aurelia is doing great!  Yes, she's well delayed.  Yes, she has some disabilities.  But her shunt is working great, praise God.  She is rarely sick.  She is very content, happy, and responsive.  This kid is a joy to parent, even during sleepless nights.  We credit your prayers (keep 'em coming!) and our amazing care team.  Right now we're starting up all her 18 month appointments on top of her weekly Occupational Therapy, Physical Therapy, and Early Intervention.  While it keeps our schedule full, it's so encouraging to know that we have such a stellar team caring for our child.  And that's our kiddo.  She's a champion!

Happy New Year!

We observe the lunar calendar in our home. . . Not buying that?  Maybe I just didn't have my act together around January 1st and therefore didn't get my yearly goals set quite in time to write a nice, cute post about it.  But I like this idea of a few restarts.  So I've decided that each year I'm going to celebrate New Years, and Chinese New Years, and then we'll throw in Nowruz (Persian New Year, celebrated the first day of spring).  I figure I should have things pretty squared away by March, right?  Regardless, today is the start to a new year for a large population of the world, the year of the dragon.  How cool is that?  Also, how cool that our first daughter was born in the year of the tiger and second will be arriving in the year of the dragon?  We have some little warriors on our hands!

Brief look back at 2011:  We had a full, busy, complete, challenging, fun, and fast year.  It could be all our sleepless nights, but last year seemed like a blur.  Maybe it's fitting that it was the year of the rabbit.  Joey and I went through a list of questions to help us reflect on this last year that culminated with a challenge to pick a word or phrase that defined 2011.  The first word that came to my mind was, "Really?!?"  We took two international trips (Switzerland and Canada) and two cross country trips.  We had endless appointments and updates with Aurelia.  And we had some major life things happen like buying a house and finding out we're having another baby.  It was a full year.  

We started 2011 with a lot of unknowns.  We were still getting used to being parents (still are).  We were still getting used to words like special needs (still are).  We were still getting used to living stateside (still are).  And we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment.  

A lot of our unknowns haven't changed.  Things like health, future plans, and sleep are still very fluid in the Hawkins household.   One of my dad's favorite quotes is, "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God" (Corrie Ten Boom).  We feel comfortable trusting that all is going according to God's plan for our lives. 

With that in mind, we begin 2012 a few weeks late.  On our epic drive to the cabin last week, Joey and I went through a list of goals for 2012 (we used this list and found it very helpful).  It's always nice to be on the same page and know what your spouse is hoping for and planning.  I mean, if I really had my heart set on a trip to Montenegro and Joey really had his heart set on paying down student loans, we would have a hard time making financial decisions together.  Side note: I ALWAYS have my heart set on a trip somewhere, really anywhere.  For the most part, Joey and I have very similar goals for this year.  We both want to concentrate on reaching milestones with Aurelia's care, getting ahead financially, being more involved in our community, being consistent with exercise, and having lots of closer to home adventures with our two little ones (we are planning our last trip to Duke and hoping for lots of out of town visitors).

My personal goal is to be more determined.  I have a lot in my life that I want to accomplish, like write more, raise children that love the Lord, and do something generally spectacular with my life.  And I think determination is a key ingredient to getting these things done.  Determination is my focus word for this year (past words have included faith and joy).  Throughout this year, I am going to be determined to get things done, to work on marriage, motherhood, and life.  Using this verse as a good starting point:

Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.