Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Back from Britain

Generally, I like to keep my blog focused on life in Afghanistan.  The whole point of "Kicking it in Kabul" is to share little snippets of what it is like to live in a conflict area/the developing world and share some of the things I have learned about Afghanistan.  I want people to understand a different part of the world, a place that has forced me to do a lot of reorienting and readjusting in almost every aspect of my life.  For these reasons I try to stick to experiences and information, and not share much about my personal life. . . only on special days or when it's necessary.  We've been going through a difficult and sad time and after a lot of consideration, I think it's time to get some of it out.

I had a miscarriage while I was in London.

I'm hesitant to write about this for a couple of reasons:

-Pregnancy, fertility, infertility, etc. are things that I think are very personal and should be kept relatively private.  I know that it is a sensitive subject for many people, myself included.

-I know that by writing about this I'm opening the door to the questions that will inevitably follow (Was there anything you could have done differently?  Did the doctor give you a reason?  Are you going to try again?  When are you going to try again?).

I decided to write about it for a couple of reasons:

- We live very far away from family and friends.  Although we have a good support network here in country, there is something special and necessary about sharing with longtime friends.  I also recognize that it is healthy and healing to let people share in our grief.  It seems that we are all quick to rejoice and celebrate with each other, but when it's time to grieve we retreat back and mourn alone.

- I process things relationally.  I need coffee dates and phone calls to help me get through the tough times in life.  Living so far away has caused me to rework some of my coping mechanisms.  Writing about this situation is helping me work through some of the thoughts and feelings and difficult moments that I'm coming up against.

Some information and thoughts:

-I was 12 weeks and some days a long, the baby had stopped growing at 8.5 weeks.  We were able to see a heartbeat at a scan in Dubai at 7 weeks, it was amazing and gave us lots of hope and excitement. This was my second miscarriage.  My first was a little over  year ago at 11 weeks.  I wasn't given a reason for either of our losses.

- No, there wasn't anything I could have or would have done differently, including living in Kabul while expecting.  The only difference living in a more developed country would have given me was an earlier knowledge that we had lost the baby.  I did get to see the Afghan medical system up close and will describe it later.

- This is a really tough thing to go through, especially being so far away from home.  We're doing as well as can be expected; sad, disappointed, frustrated, sometimes a little angry, and sad some more.  But overall, we're okay.  I know that this is one of those hurts that will never fully go away.  I also know that each day I feel a little bit better, more positive and more hopeful.

- I am the type of person that really wants to understand things.  Although I can look at things I have learned through both of our losses, I know that I won't ever fully understand why these things happen.  I'm learning that not understanding is frustrating but I'm also learning that it's alright to not understand.

-In my last post, I discussed that the word I would be embracing this year is faith.  I feel like I'm holding onto that word more than ever: faith that God is sovereign; faith that He has our very best interest in mind; faith that although I don't understand, He does; faith that He has great plans for us, even when those plans aren't what we expected.

And as for trying again, that goes back to the whole pregnancy, fertility, infertility, etc. being a private and sensitive thing.  Our stock answer when people ask us when and if we're having kids will continue to be, "Maybe someday."


Kelly said...

Oh, Julie, I'm praying for you! I'm sending you more on Facebook...more private.

Alicia said...

Thank you for being so open and sharing these thoughts online. We love you guys and are praying for you.

The White House said...

I've been praying for you Julie. Hang in there. God knows.

anya* said...

I love you, dear friends. So wish I could have that coffee date with you...one day.

In the mean time, you are daily in my prayers (along with my kids prayers at 'bible time'). Remember you are very loved. Although miles separate us and the distance causes communication to be sporadic- you and Joey are never very far from our hearts.

much love.

Sarah said...

Julie, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know just how hard it is to accept that you won't know why it happened- I've definitely been there and struggled with understanding why something like this could even happen. I will continue to pray for you, that God will give you healing and peace.

Uptown Girl said...

Love you, Julie. I you were here, I'd be one of many people who would be there to support you through this with a coffee date or whatever you needed. Let me know if I can send you anything.


Dawn said...

Julie - I am reading this way after you wrote it. I am so sorry.
I am praying for you guys. You have been on my mind the past few weeks almost daily and I guess I have been praying for you without knowing why at the time. Love you.

The Gores said...

I love you friend and your vulneralbility (sp?). May you always feel God walking along side of you through what every path you take. My heart is sad that you have to go through this again. I think we should set up a facebook chat with coffee in our hands and consider that a coffee "date"! Hang in there and Blessings on what every path and timing you choose to take.

C said...

Oh Julie, I'm so sorry. I know that there's probably nothing I can do for you two, but if there IS anything just let me know. I'll be praying for you as you grieve.