We are so thankful for all our friends that are praying with us as we navigate through this time. I have kept every email that I've received and turn to them for encouragement when I find it difficult to pick myself up or have particularly rough moments. And I've noticed that sometimes our friends are able to put words to things that I'm feeling and working through but couldn't voice myself. My favorite Finnish friend has a much better command of the English language than me. Throughout our relationship she has been able to hit the nail right on the head and help me process through all the thoughts that are moving around in my brain. She has a gift for saying the things that I don't know how to say. In a recent email, she wrote about the reality of blessing in difficult situations. It's easy to say we're blessed when things are peachy, but what about when things are not so perfect by the world's standards? I've had several people tell me that I'm taking this really well or that they're surprised by our strength. To these people, I say thank you and should probably mention that there are definitely some dark moments where I don't look so put together and feel pretty weak. But I'd also like to say that I feel absolutely blessed knowing this little girl is on her way. As Sari put it:
Lady Hawk is a little miracle given by God in all possible cases; perfectly healthy, or with some issues, needing surgery, or not.
I am sure God does not want any of us to be sick, but he does allow it, and it does not take any of the blessings away. In fact, I know that God can bring about blessings through the nasty things that do happen to us.
For the last three years, I have been angry at the ER doctor who sent me to surgery for my first miscarriage. Not only are we still paying the hospital bill for the D and C, but it was a very difficult recovery emotionally and physically. That nasty scar that I didn't even know I had showed up on my 21 week ultrasound and caused enough concern for a follow up scan. The scar is gone now, but I am so thankful it was there. I can't know what would have happened without that 28 week scan. I do know that with the information gathered at each scan we are able to rule out different things, plan for different outcomes, and cover this little lady in prayer in a very intentional way. And I do know that her future is a lot brighter with all this information. I don't think that I went through the trauma of my first loss to have a scar on my scan. But I know that I'm less angry at the ER doctor now. And I'm thankful that God used it to bring about this little blessing. These are the things I'm processing through each day. I'm so thankful for friends that help me work my way through it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
33 Weeks
I had my 33 week scan today. Lady Hawk is looking as cute as ever. Her head is measuring about 7 weeks ahead. The rest of her body is right on target and working great. My perinatologist decided she wants to be certain that her lungs are developed before we deliver. We'll have another scan in three weeks (with two ob/gyn appointments in between), an amniocentesis right when I hit 37 weeks, and delivery via c-section around August 16th. After she's born, she will probably have her shunt placed within the first few days to begin relieving the pressure on her head. I don't know what happens after that. But I'm alright with that for now. I've realized that I'm more comfortable with a vague prognosis at this point, which is good because that's all we can do at this point.
Here are just a few little snapshots of what is going on inside my head and heart:
-Joey comes home on Monday. I'm a day away from counting down the hours.
-My doctors have all been wonderful. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have these wonderful men and women advocating and caring for my family.
-I can't wait to meet our baby girl. She is going to be loved to pieces. We feel so fortunate to have this little gift coming our way. Our prayer has always been that she would be exactly the person God created her to be. We are so excited to see what that looks like in real time!
-Yes, a lot of this is difficult. My eyes well up with tears often. But I don't feel defeated. I don't feel lost. I feel very hopeful. I take comfort in the knowledge that God knows the outcome of this situation.
-We have an amazing support network. So many people are praying for little Lady Hawk and hoping for the best possible outcome. She is smothered in prayer.
-Having a baby in 4 weeks is a little daunting. I don't feel prepared and need to make many trips to Babies R Us between now and then.
-They've done a few 3D ultrasounds at my appointments. Baby Hawk looks a lot like Papa Pandiani's baby pictures. She might just carry on Sarah's nickname of "Little Bill."
I've had several people ask me questions about hydrocephalus, shunts, procedures, etc. I'm going to try and address some of that here. But for any anxious readers, I've put some informational links on the right hand side of the blog.
Here are just a few little snapshots of what is going on inside my head and heart:
-Joey comes home on Monday. I'm a day away from counting down the hours.
-My doctors have all been wonderful. I feel so blessed and fortunate to have these wonderful men and women advocating and caring for my family.
-I can't wait to meet our baby girl. She is going to be loved to pieces. We feel so fortunate to have this little gift coming our way. Our prayer has always been that she would be exactly the person God created her to be. We are so excited to see what that looks like in real time!
-Yes, a lot of this is difficult. My eyes well up with tears often. But I don't feel defeated. I don't feel lost. I feel very hopeful. I take comfort in the knowledge that God knows the outcome of this situation.
-We have an amazing support network. So many people are praying for little Lady Hawk and hoping for the best possible outcome. She is smothered in prayer.
-Having a baby in 4 weeks is a little daunting. I don't feel prepared and need to make many trips to Babies R Us between now and then.
-They've done a few 3D ultrasounds at my appointments. Baby Hawk looks a lot like Papa Pandiani's baby pictures. She might just carry on Sarah's nickname of "Little Bill."
I've had several people ask me questions about hydrocephalus, shunts, procedures, etc. I'm going to try and address some of that here. But for any anxious readers, I've put some informational links on the right hand side of the blog.
Friday, July 9, 2010
THe Hawkins Family Update
In my last post (a whole 3 months ago!), I shared our exciting news about our pregnancy. Shortly after that post, we found out we are having a precious little girl. The ultrasound tech noticed some scar tissue during the scan that needed to be looked at again as the baby grew. We were reassured that it was probably nothing and that this was just a precaution. We joked that it wouldn't be a normal Team Hawkins appointment without at least one speed bump. And we left our 21 week scan bubbling with joy and an appointment card for a follow-up scan at 28 weeks. Joey left for his work rotation at the beginning of May, I headed up to Alaska to visit some favorite friends for a week, and life went on as usual. I eagerly awaited my 28 week scan to get another look at our little lady. I wasn't worried at all.
Since Joey was/is out of town, my step-mom came with me. As the tech did the ultrasound, she talked us through different body parts we were looking at and different measurements she was taking. I noticed that the head was measuring 2 weeks ahead, but I've heard so many stories of the vast differences in growth rates that I didn't think anything of it. She showed us the heart, the kidneys, the bladder, the stomach, little legs kicking around, little hands waving, confirmation that this is a little lady, and a nice long look at the spine. She mentioned that she was having a hard time finding the scar tissue and wanted to confer with the perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) and look at my old scan to see where she should be searching. She came back a few minutes later with the perinatologist who told me that they couldn't find the scar tissue. She scanned through the screens of the ultrasound and said, "Are you looking at the screen? This shouldn't be here." She went on to explain that the left and right ventricles of our baby's brain were measuring twice the normal size. She used words like "concerning" and "serious issue." She then told me that she wanted me to meet with the genetic counselor again to talk about testing options. We had met with the genetic counselor after my previous scan due to a normal variant in the baby's heart called a bright spot. At that appointment, we decided not to do any testing and were encouraged not to by the counselor as it had a higher likelihood of false positive than anything actually being wrong. At this appointment she again said that the testing available wouldn't tell us anything we didn't already know and would only rule out things that we had already ruled out. At this point I was told that the preliminary diagnosis for our baby's condition is something called hydrocephalus (water on the brain). I was walked through the various outcomes of hydrocephalus ranging from a simple brain surgery after birth (simple brain surgery, that sounds like an oxymoron) to developmental delays to motor skill delays to, well the list got a little scarier from there and we're not crossing that bridge of worst case scenario. She explained that we can only guess outcomes at this point and we'll have to wait and see as the pregnancy progresses and as the baby develops. One thing I held onto as we met is that she emphasized this was not a question of survival for our little lady, more a question of what life could look like. I left the appointment with another scan scheduled for two weeks later and a very vague view of what was wrong and what could go wrong.
I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant. At my last perinatologist appointment, the diagnosis of hydrocephalus was confirmed. At 30 weeks Baby Hawk's head was measuring about 4 weeks ahead. I've been told to expect to deliver around 36 weeks most likely via c-section. Between now and then I'll see either my ob/gyn or my perinatologist every week (starting next Thursday). At each appointment we should get a little more or an idea of what delivery and post delivery will look like for both me and the little lady. And each moment between now and then, I try to concentrate on the things I know and not dwell in the things that might happen.
This is all a lot of information for one update, but at the same time I feel like I lack so much information. For the sake of time and in an effort to actually get a post up, I'm going to end this update here. In the next few days, I hope to post some about the processing we've been going through. We've decided that this blog will be our way of getting information and updates out to friends and family. The tricky part is actually doing the updates. I know that as time goes on and appointments become more frequent, there will be a lot more information to get out. But for today, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and try to stay cool in my non AC apartment!
Since Joey was/is out of town, my step-mom came with me. As the tech did the ultrasound, she talked us through different body parts we were looking at and different measurements she was taking. I noticed that the head was measuring 2 weeks ahead, but I've heard so many stories of the vast differences in growth rates that I didn't think anything of it. She showed us the heart, the kidneys, the bladder, the stomach, little legs kicking around, little hands waving, confirmation that this is a little lady, and a nice long look at the spine. She mentioned that she was having a hard time finding the scar tissue and wanted to confer with the perinatologist (high risk pregnancy doctor) and look at my old scan to see where she should be searching. She came back a few minutes later with the perinatologist who told me that they couldn't find the scar tissue. She scanned through the screens of the ultrasound and said, "Are you looking at the screen? This shouldn't be here." She went on to explain that the left and right ventricles of our baby's brain were measuring twice the normal size. She used words like "concerning" and "serious issue." She then told me that she wanted me to meet with the genetic counselor again to talk about testing options. We had met with the genetic counselor after my previous scan due to a normal variant in the baby's heart called a bright spot. At that appointment, we decided not to do any testing and were encouraged not to by the counselor as it had a higher likelihood of false positive than anything actually being wrong. At this appointment she again said that the testing available wouldn't tell us anything we didn't already know and would only rule out things that we had already ruled out. At this point I was told that the preliminary diagnosis for our baby's condition is something called hydrocephalus (water on the brain). I was walked through the various outcomes of hydrocephalus ranging from a simple brain surgery after birth (simple brain surgery, that sounds like an oxymoron) to developmental delays to motor skill delays to, well the list got a little scarier from there and we're not crossing that bridge of worst case scenario. She explained that we can only guess outcomes at this point and we'll have to wait and see as the pregnancy progresses and as the baby develops. One thing I held onto as we met is that she emphasized this was not a question of survival for our little lady, more a question of what life could look like. I left the appointment with another scan scheduled for two weeks later and a very vague view of what was wrong and what could go wrong.
I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant. At my last perinatologist appointment, the diagnosis of hydrocephalus was confirmed. At 30 weeks Baby Hawk's head was measuring about 4 weeks ahead. I've been told to expect to deliver around 36 weeks most likely via c-section. Between now and then I'll see either my ob/gyn or my perinatologist every week (starting next Thursday). At each appointment we should get a little more or an idea of what delivery and post delivery will look like for both me and the little lady. And each moment between now and then, I try to concentrate on the things I know and not dwell in the things that might happen.
This is all a lot of information for one update, but at the same time I feel like I lack so much information. For the sake of time and in an effort to actually get a post up, I'm going to end this update here. In the next few days, I hope to post some about the processing we've been going through. We've decided that this blog will be our way of getting information and updates out to friends and family. The tricky part is actually doing the updates. I know that as time goes on and appointments become more frequent, there will be a lot more information to get out. But for today, I'm going to enjoy the sunshine and try to stay cool in my non AC apartment!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Going Public
I've had several people ask me if I've abandoned my blog. The honest answer is that I've been avoiding it for two reasons. First, I still couldn't decide on a name or theme. The blog makeover is a work in progress, but I've settled on the name "All Things" inspired by one of my favorite friends, Carlee Stellfox Loya. As she stated in comment to my last post, "I propose 'All Things' referencing Paul's 'I can do all things' where he's referring to his ability to be content. Contentment is the tallest order of those with itchy feet. You're in a season where contentment will not come easily - where you used to rely intensely on the Lord for safety and health in Kabul, in GH you need His strength to see purpose in your clean, comfortable (boring?) home and surroundings. Only His contentment can keep you from resenting the very things you miss when you are out in the world!" I love having people in my life that know me so well. Please bear with me as I continue the reconstruction of the blog.
The second reason I've been avoiding this little space on the internet is a bit of a secret. As this secret gets bigger, it becomes less and less of a secret. On Sunday I'll be 19 weeks pregnant. We've known our news since the end of 2009, but with our past losses we've been hesitant to be too open. However, as I approach the halfway mark and realize that I can no longer attempt to hide my stomach, I feel that it's time to go public. This pregnancy has been far different than any of my losses. I've had very little to worry about, have been constantly sick, and I'm now feeling little kicks and punches from Baby Hawk. Our due date is September 5th, our anatomy scan is April 28th, and we are finding out if we're having a boy or a girl. And I think that covers it for now.
I would like to say that my revamped blog will not be a pregnancy blog or a mom blog. I'm sure the topic will come up from time to time, and I'm certain I'll post about our newest addition as he/she will be an important part of the make up of Team Hawk. But being pregnant and a mom (and all that entails) will not become the exclusive content. Don't look for ultrasound pictures and bump pictures here, or stories about bodily functions and diaper contents. That's not what I want to write about.
The second reason I've been avoiding this little space on the internet is a bit of a secret. As this secret gets bigger, it becomes less and less of a secret. On Sunday I'll be 19 weeks pregnant. We've known our news since the end of 2009, but with our past losses we've been hesitant to be too open. However, as I approach the halfway mark and realize that I can no longer attempt to hide my stomach, I feel that it's time to go public. This pregnancy has been far different than any of my losses. I've had very little to worry about, have been constantly sick, and I'm now feeling little kicks and punches from Baby Hawk. Our due date is September 5th, our anatomy scan is April 28th, and we are finding out if we're having a boy or a girl. And I think that covers it for now.
I would like to say that my revamped blog will not be a pregnancy blog or a mom blog. I'm sure the topic will come up from time to time, and I'm certain I'll post about our newest addition as he/she will be an important part of the make up of Team Hawk. But being pregnant and a mom (and all that entails) will not become the exclusive content. Don't look for ultrasound pictures and bump pictures here, or stories about bodily functions and diaper contents. That's not what I want to write about.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Holding Pattern
I was so proud of myself when I was blogging all the time back in Kabul. But now that we're home, I find it difficult to find anything to blog about. Yes, life has been exciting, challenging, and fun since we got back. But I spend a lot of time feeling really normal. The Hawk and I feel like we've entered a season of waiting. We're people that enjoy going, seeing, doing. We love adventures, we love living in far away places, we love dreaming and planning and then getting right to it. But for the time being, we're in the holding pattern. We know that it's not forever. We talk often about our "What's next?" And we know that we're where we're supposed to be, at least for awhile. It's just a very abrupt shift in life's gears to go from living in Kabul to living in Gig Harbor. And I seem to find all of this hard to put in words. To some extent, I feel that my blog is in the holding pattern too. With that said, I'm starting to process and grasp what life in the States looks like for Team Hawk. I'm getting ready for new things and new experiences. I'm trying to think of an interim title and subject matter for my blog (big important things). I'm ready to settle into what life will be like for me here. So, look for more posts from me in the not too distant future. And I'm open to blog name ideas!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
New Year, new word
Last January, I posted that the word that I was embracing for the year was FAITH. As I look back at the year, faith was a fitting word. We faced the everyday realities of living overseas in a conflict zone, we had a few heartbreaking losses, and we had to make some impossible decisions. To be perfectly honest, 2009 wasn't one of my favorite years. I felt like each day I had to cling to faith and trust that by God's grace I would make it through all the obstacles life had thrown at me.
One of the toughest parts of 2009 was our decision to move from Kabul. We really enjoyed where we lived and lived with some great people. In our perfect little plan we hoped to stay in Kabul for at least three years. But we were also facing some difficult behind the scenes stuff. While we were visiting home last July, we experienced our third pregnancy loss, this time twins. I've thought a lot about how to address this on my blog since it is public. The last few months I've gone back and forth about whether I would mention it at all. However, I want people to understand why we left Kabul. And my miscarriages are a very big part of my life and the person that I am. On the other hand, I do not want to go into much detail on it since it was such a painful time for me.
We were fortunate that the miscarriage happened while we were in Virginia and under the care of a very kind doctor. Since it was my third loss, I did the recurrent pregnancy loss screening (RPL). While we waited for the results we had two specific prayers. 50% of RPL situations are without reason, we wanted a clear diagnosis. And as we awaited our departure back to Kabul, we wanted a definite answer on whether I could be treated in Afghanistan. Both of our prayers were answered. I was diagnosed with a very easy to treat blood clotting issue. However, easy to treat doesn't necessarily mean Kabul easy. We spent a lot of time wrestling with this and continue to wrestle with our decision. But it's pretty obvious that we decided to move to the states.
Some bullet points of information:
- We plan to be in the states for a few years. During that time we hope to have a healthy pregnancy and we are also looking into the possibility of adoption. We have always desired to have a family of adopted and natural children. We don't know what the timeline for that looks like, but it's all on the table.
- Losing our babies and leaving Kabul are the hardest things I have faced in my adult life. I have a hard time talking about both situations.
- Joey is still working for the same company and flying all over the place.
- We're currently staying with my parents. This is partly because we don't know exactly where we'll end up and partly because Joey is gone a lot for work. We are considering buying a house, although we don't know when or where. Not to mention homeownership sounds way too normal and settled for us.
- We have lots of travels that we're dreaming about, including a trip to Kabul in the spring. We've found that if we stay "home" for more than a month we start to feel itchy. For now that means a lot of US travel with international adventures when possible.
As I look back on the last year and forward to this new decade, I decided the word JOY was appropriate. I want to be joyful whether life is difficult or wonderful. I want to live in anticipation. I want to recognize that even the most dismal circumstances have elements of hope. I look forward to 2010 and pray that my joy will be full throughout this year.
One of the toughest parts of 2009 was our decision to move from Kabul. We really enjoyed where we lived and lived with some great people. In our perfect little plan we hoped to stay in Kabul for at least three years. But we were also facing some difficult behind the scenes stuff. While we were visiting home last July, we experienced our third pregnancy loss, this time twins. I've thought a lot about how to address this on my blog since it is public. The last few months I've gone back and forth about whether I would mention it at all. However, I want people to understand why we left Kabul. And my miscarriages are a very big part of my life and the person that I am. On the other hand, I do not want to go into much detail on it since it was such a painful time for me.
We were fortunate that the miscarriage happened while we were in Virginia and under the care of a very kind doctor. Since it was my third loss, I did the recurrent pregnancy loss screening (RPL). While we waited for the results we had two specific prayers. 50% of RPL situations are without reason, we wanted a clear diagnosis. And as we awaited our departure back to Kabul, we wanted a definite answer on whether I could be treated in Afghanistan. Both of our prayers were answered. I was diagnosed with a very easy to treat blood clotting issue. However, easy to treat doesn't necessarily mean Kabul easy. We spent a lot of time wrestling with this and continue to wrestle with our decision. But it's pretty obvious that we decided to move to the states.
Some bullet points of information:
- We plan to be in the states for a few years. During that time we hope to have a healthy pregnancy and we are also looking into the possibility of adoption. We have always desired to have a family of adopted and natural children. We don't know what the timeline for that looks like, but it's all on the table.
- Losing our babies and leaving Kabul are the hardest things I have faced in my adult life. I have a hard time talking about both situations.
- Joey is still working for the same company and flying all over the place.
- We're currently staying with my parents. This is partly because we don't know exactly where we'll end up and partly because Joey is gone a lot for work. We are considering buying a house, although we don't know when or where. Not to mention homeownership sounds way too normal and settled for us.
- We have lots of travels that we're dreaming about, including a trip to Kabul in the spring. We've found that if we stay "home" for more than a month we start to feel itchy. For now that means a lot of US travel with international adventures when possible.
As I look back on the last year and forward to this new decade, I decided the word JOY was appropriate. I want to be joyful whether life is difficult or wonderful. I want to live in anticipation. I want to recognize that even the most dismal circumstances have elements of hope. I look forward to 2010 and pray that my joy will be full throughout this year.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Picture of the week
We've made it to the states safe and sound. First impressions of the states: What's up with all the leggings and boots? And things really move fast here, people are too busy, and I kind of feel lost in it all. We spent our first few days at the family cabin and in Leavenworth. Here's a photo of Joey and our nephew Jaron spending some quality time together:
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